Anxiety of Dating | Julia

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Anxiety of Dating | Julia

Dating is different when you get older. You’re not as trusting, or as eager to get back out there and expose yourself to someone. – Toni Braxton

Is there a right way or a wrong way of dating? Do you feel the way people date change with age? In norm of the non-dating world, it is said that the older you get the wiser you are. Does that concept translate when dating? If it does, shouldn’t that allow dating to become easier rather than harder?

I don’t have a ton of dating experience but I have dabbled in the game when I was in my youth. However, as I get older, I date less because I became wiser? Probably not. In a society where the need to be wed is heightened when the eggs are dying, dating less does not help. Unfortunately, that is where I am at. 

For myself, the older I get, the more fear I have and the biggest fear of all is the fear of wasting time on someone that is not worth it. When I was in my youth that fear did not exist; I felt that I had all the time in the world to play the field. I was not an expert, however, due to the lack of fear, my level of confidence was higher. I was not afraid of being the pursuer, which is not very typical, especially being Asian but I did it.

Dates happened; so does relationships. I have had 3 long-term relationships, 1 rejection and I had rejected a few. Being in my youth, I had more balls. When I was maybe 18; I was ready to pack up and move in with the guy I was dating — to Virginia. Now? Forget that. I can’t even get myself to move to a place that I have close friends at. I have Nanda who constantly tell me to move to California and my friend, Felly, in Texas also asked me to move there. I can’t really say that I haven’t thought about it because I have but now I question and calculate everything more (Brahhh; California rent is hella expensive! and Texas highways scares the sheits out of me).

As you get older and experience more; the way you think changes. Especially with dating. With break ups and a few weird dating encounters; the wall starts to go up. Through experiences, I started to discover myself more and how I am when I am in a relationship which makes me feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I feel that those characteristics of mine could be unattractive which maybe why things haven’t worked out fully thus far. On top of it I also don’t like to be perceived as “not having it all together”. 

Two weeks ago I downloaded a dating app just to see. I did all the questioning and then submitted and let me tell you; it scared the fuck out of my soul. I am not oblivious and I know I am not the most attractive person you’ll meet and I did not use pictures that was questionable. I used pictures that you can clearly tell what I look like but still within that minute of hitting submit the notification of “like” came through like a storm, non-stop. 

It scared me and it bothered me. It scared me because I don’t even know how to talk to people and the idea of having to talk to strangers suddenly gave me anxiety. It then also bothered me because it makes me feel like there are way too many thirsty people out there. I am not going to lie that some of them were seemingly decent people but I just couldn’t do it. After about 5 minutes, I deleted the app.

Being an adult who gets in her own head way too much makes it harder to date. On top of being afraid of having someone judge me; I now question everything more because I want to make sure that I won’t be wasting time unnecessarily. I question myself a lot about what I am saying and trying to make sure that I don’t say or do anything wrong or stupid. Simply talking to someone could give me anxiety. It is crazy but I even do this with someone who I’ve known for for almost a decade. 

Let me tell you, that person who was not afraid of pursuing, died. I now just wait patiently to see if anything will get anywhere. At least I could tell myself I am not with anyone it is because I didn’t try, rather than I tried and I failed. Hopefully, someday, there will be someone who will find me not weird and attractive enough to want to pursue me. I don’t feel that I am that difficult to pursue. As long as I don’t find you weird, I would probably give it a chance. 

I just had the need to flush out of the thoughts in my crazy brain. I am not sure if this will help anyone but if you have the same thoughts and feelings as me, at least now you know that you are not alone.


Two ladies set out to conquer the world. Just kidding, none of us are ever that ambitious. We are just two individuals who have known each other for a very long time (more than a decade now) that wanted to venture out to collaborate on a project together. We are “TOOCONFIDENTIALMESS” – too as in 'two' (Jule & Nanda) and too as in well, too. Confidential as in, it is our not so little secret to the world and mess as in our perfectly imperfect lives.

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